The Importance of Good Conflict Resolution
No two persons are completely alike. Even though there are mutual interests, shared likes and dislikes and common tastes between couples, there will still be differences of opinion and variances in personal ways. These differences may lead to schisms and disagreements which may even result in confrontations, arguments and fights. Therefore in any successful relationship, conflict resolution is an essential trait. Good conflict resolution skills may very well save your marriage.
The Enemy of Conflict Resolution
The enemy of conflict resolution is pride. Pride blocks the path towards admitting your own wrong, asking for forgiveness from your partner and taking the first step towards reconciliation. Pride in you will insist on your own way and refuse to compromise on what you want even though it hurts your marriage.
I am not saying you should become like a puppet to your partner and give in to his or her way completely. There are certain things that cannot be compromised. For example, having an affair is not allowed and physical abuse cannot be tolerated. But in a marriage, these non-negotiable things are few. In most things a certain degree of compromise is possible and even crucial in saving your marriage. Thus, be humble, swallow your pride and be willing to make compromises and adjustments for the sake of saving your marriage.
Conflict Resolution Tips
Conflict resolution is a skill. As in any skill, it takes time and practice to master. No one does it perfectly. We are all on a continuous learning curve. We learn how to understand our spouse better, what to do or say in a disagreement and what to avoid so as not to make things worse. Here are some essential tips in conflict resolution:
- Prevention is always better than cure. Preempt an argument wherever possible. Learn what rubs your partner the wrong way, what his or her pet peeves are and avoid these like the plague.
- Integrity is a must in conflict resolution. Be completely honest. Admit wrongs without blame-shifting. Don't counter accuse by saying, "I admit I was wrong in ________ but you were wrong in ________ also". Leave out the 'but' part.
- Here is one principle my wife and I have practiced ever since our courting days. Never go to bed with unresolved conflicts. Even if you have to stay up all night to talk things through, do it if it can restore peace between you both. Then you can both sleep in peace. I know it is not always possible but this is a good practice and you should work towards it as far as possible.
- There are basically two reactions towards anything that displeases a person. Some people blow up. They may shout, scream, rant or rave and after they have done so, they cool down and return to normal. Others on the other hand, keep their anger or bitterness inside them by clamming up. They may display their displeasure in their faces or body language but they would not vocalize it or act on it there and then. They keep it all inside and resentment builds up. Both types of reactions are wrong. It is essential to help one another respond to displeasure in the correct way which is to talk things through rationally (no losing your temper, no clamming up)
- Abuse and physical violence is not allowed. If things get too hot, take a break until you cool down.
- Allow each other the opportunity to talk freely and listen genuinely without preconceived notions or becoming defensive. Do not anticipate what your partner would say and start thinking of a reply. Hear your partner out completely. Cultivate an environment where expressing feelings to one another is a positive experience.
- If your partner hasn't understood your motives or misunderstood what you said, don't get angry. Explain what you truly mean.
- Do not judge one another but instead try to understand each other. You must unconditionally love and accept each other no matter what each says to the other. Remember you are trying to resolve conflicts, not win arguments.
- Be humble, ask for forgiveness and apologize when necessary. Do not try to act tough by wanting your partner to give in or apologize first. This is plain childishness.
- If you cannot find a solution to your conflict, ask for help. Submit yourself to a mutual friend who can be an arbitrator between the two of you
One common trait in successful married couples is not the absence of conflicts but knowing how to conduct themselves during conflicts. The way NOT to do it is to attack the personhood of the partner. Accusations, rudeness, vulgarity, name calling and personal attacks are the wrong means to have a fight between spouses. Words such as, "You are so stupid, why did I marry you in the first place?" are intensely damaging to the marriage relationship.
The correct way to argue is to restrict the words to the facts (rather than your opinion) and issues about the conflict. Speak about what actually happened, who did what, what was said by whom and when, how you felt when it happened and how your partner's words or actions affected you. Words such as, "I felt foolish when you said those things about me in front of your friends!" are much more acceptable because they do not attack the self-worth of your partner while at the same time they do bring up the issues of conflict.
Conclusion
Marriages turn sour when there are too many conflicts, arguments, quarrels and fights. That is why good conflict resolution skills are so very important. With good conflict resolution, you can keep arguments and fights to a minimum. This will enhance your marriage. Put into practice the ten tips above and you will certainly improve your marriage or even save it from disaster altogether.
Clarence Chan is a minister, counselor and trainer. A husband and father of five children, Clarence has been helping couples improve their marriages for over 20 years. He has spoken and written extensively on marriage issues especially on saving troubled marriages. Today, Clarence continues to give marriage counsel to couples both personally and through his writings, websites and blogs. Visit http://www.savemarriagestoday.com.