People start counseling because they’re distressed. A large number stop after only one meeting. People stay in counseling because they feel understood. When you feel someone “really gets it,” a bridge is built that allows you to feel connected and supported.

The need to feel understood is universal. Have you ever been upset and turned to a friend to talk to? Whether your friend had been in the same situation or not, odds are you felt better once someone else appreciated your struggle. That’s the power of empathy—it can transform your mood; it can also transform your relationship.

What happens when empathy is lacking? Imagine for a moment that you’re visiting a foreign land where you don’t speak the language. Whenever you open your mouth, people assume dysentery and point to the nearest bathroom. While on this trip you get bad news from home and you feel the need to talk. When you try to communicate your distress, you get only head shakes, strange looks and more unnecessary directions in return. How frustrated and alone would you feel in such a place? When empathy is nowhere to be found, you can feel worse about an already bad situation.

It’s time to get empathic

3 steps to Empathy:

1. Temporarily suspend your own opinions and feelings, especially when they create a wall that blocks understanding. Put your feelings aside so you can clear your mind for the next step.

2. Next, step into your partner’s emotional world, seeing things as s/he does. Imagine what it must be like to be your partner in this particular moment, seeing and feeling the way s/he does—even if your own reaction would be different.

3. Communicate this understanding. Statements like, “I could see why you would feel so trapped” or “Of course you’re annoyed with him. He’s a bonehead” often go a long way in making your husband or wife or partner feel understood.

If you automatically feel the same way your partner does about a particular issue, then being empathic is a piece of cake. But if you’re a little confused about your partner’s reactions, empathy can be a challenge. Without empathy, you and your partner will eventually find yourselves stuck in a quagmire of misunderstanding and frustration. Remember, unempathic communication—such as giving an unsolicited opinion--will only make your partner feel worse and lead to a long evening of door-slamming and name-calling.

Here’s another reason why empathy is a powerhouse that can transform your relationship: when you make an effort to step into your partner’s world, you, your partner, and the relationship reap the benefits. Potential conflicts are diffused, you have a better appreciation of your partner, and your compassion sky rockets. Empathy is contagious. When you’re understanding and compassionate, sooner or later your partner will follow suit and his/her empathic skills will start to shine.

At this point you may be thinking: “But what if I don’t agree with him? Why on earth should I be empathic?” Great question. Empathy does not mean you agree with your partner. You don’t have to abandon what’s important to you in order to show empathy. When you demonstrate an understanding about your partner’s feelings and reactions, you’ve struck an empathic chord. After you communicate this understanding, your partner will feel more settled and appreciated. Then, if you feel it is necessary, you can share your thoughts and feelings. Your partner will now be more open to your viewpoint.

Being empathic takes time and practice. Exercise this skill as often as possible and it will become second nature to you. Oh, one more thing: to increase the likelihood of success, practice being empathic with small, manageable issues and work your way up the mountain.

Is your relationship worth protecting? Are you ready to make your marriage everything it can be?

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Rich Nicastro, Ph.D. is a relationship coach who is passionate about helping couples protect the sanctuary of their relationship.