Who among us has not experienced the feelings of rage, insecurity, fear, or some other “negative” emotion that was triggered by a certain “look” from someone else? If this is something that happens with a chance encounter, like from the waitress waiting on your table as you drive several states away on vacation for example; a waitress that gives you a look that just doesn’t “settle” well with you. While it may not be comfortable, it’s not like you have to see her every day.

However, if this look is chronic, showing up on a consistent basis from someone you see daily, this might present a challenge. Encounter this “look” from a spouse or significant other on a regular basis, and you have the makings of what we refer to as a “tussle” here in the Midwest.

Unfortunately, all too often our misinterpretation of the facial expressions of others leads to long, arduous, and more importantly, unnecessary turmoil. Odd as it may seem, many of those who have been married for years, have never correctly identified the non-verbal messages offered by their spouse.

This is a very significant marriage secret! It’s important to note than the primary reason for these chronic misinterpretations can be found in the fact that for the most part, this all takes place on an unconscious level, just below the threshold that would allow us to “notice” and make clearer distinctions.

Therapists and counselors who have been divorced are often ridiculed for offering marriage “advice” to others. But let me share something with you; if you truly want to learn how to enhance your marriage, find someone who has been divorced, or who has had a very rocky marriage at one time, but then turned things around and now enjoys a truly fulfilling relationship.

Forget about finding a couple that has always had a stable relationship, and asking them how they do it. Why? It’s really rather simple. The key is awareness; success is a very poor teacher.

When things are going well, we rarely stop to question why things are running so smoothly. Instead, we just enjoy the fruits of our unconscious labor and almost always struggle when pressed to reveal the real strategies behind our success.

Those who have turned things around on the other hand, have been “prodded” by the pain of their previous condition, to discover and bring into their conscious awareness, the patterns of behavior that were responsible for their strife. Then, they maintain that heightened state of awareness as they methodically integrate new and improved behaviors and habits, thus affording them the opportunity to tell others precisely what they do that creates the happiness they experience.

Those who are the happiest in their marriage and/or relationships have mastered the skill of “reading” the face of those they are close to. While this topic alone could take an entire book to cover every aspect of successfully interpreting the non-verbal signals of others, you don’t have to know everything there is to know about it, to be able to benefit tremendously.

John Gottman, the world’s foremost researcher on successful marriages offers these four keys to think about, that will enhance your people reading skills and your ability to empower your relationships to unbelievable levels of unity and bliss:

1. Identify what the persons face looks like when they are in a neutral state: You have to have a baseline to work from. It’s a whole lot easier to distinguish one expression from another, and more importantly, what it “means”, when you know what a “clean slate” face for this person looks like.

2. Realize that people generally experience more than one emotion: What you observe on the face of another is often a confusing mixture of several different emotions at one. If they are trying to conceal their feelings, it gets even trickier. Therefore, thinking, “They’re mad, sad, happy, etc. may only be partially true; it may also be that those emotions are very brief.

3. Don’t mistake habitual facial features as temporary emotions signals: Some people are “blessed” with mouths that have down turned corners, and they appear to be unhappy just about all of the time. Clearly identify the natural expressions that might have been easily misinterpreted as meaning something that didn’t do much to enhance the feelings between the two of you.

4. Slow down, and really LOOK: Since most emotions are fleeting, and therefore speed the corresponding expressions past us in somewhat of a blur at times, it’s important that we develop our observational skills over time with practice, just like we do with any other worthwhile endeavor. Look, really look at the face of the other person or loved one when you are communicating with them. When you’re uncertain what a look “means” ASK THEM what it means, or what they were feeling just then. As obvious as that seems, it’s amazing how many people never do it. They’re so certain that they already know what it means, that they don’t ever validate it with a simple question.

You’ve probably already thought of several instances where you wound up in an all out argument with someone you love, simply because on an unconscious level, the look on their face triggered something deep inside you; perhaps the memory of an abusive parent, or a bully at school, and the similar look on their face as they were taunting you.

With associations like this taking place, especially outside of your conscious awareness, it’s a given that you’ll be needlessly enduring upsets and arguments, over and over again.

While there are many other, far more powerful marriage secrets that the happiest couples utilize, the best place to start is with the very simple, but amazingly effective fundamentals. As the fundamentals go, ceasing to allow loved ones facial expressions to thrust you into overdrive is as basic as it gets.

Enjoy making these discoveries, expanding your awareness of the impact a simple look from another can have on you, and watch what happens to your relationships!

© Copyright 2007 Vincent Harris-All Rights Reserved.

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